In My Skin: How Asian Beauty Standards Conflicted With My Latina Pride

When I was younger I loved playing outside in the sun with my neighbor; we would race up and down the block on our bikes until street lights went on. Any chance I had to jump in a pool, I would always be the last kid out. But at times, my love for outdoor activities was often interrupted by an acknowledgment of the darkness of my skin tone. My dad is Filipino and my mom is from El Salvador. The older I get the more I realize how my Asian culture has conflicted with my Latina pride when it comes to my skin. When I was that kid playing outside with friends, I remember coming inside and hearing "Oh my goodness you are so dark...you look dirty!" 

Although it may have been an innocent joke from a family member, it stuck with me until adulthood. I would subconsciously try to keep my skin light because for so long I thought that when I was dark I looked dirty. I would lather sunblock on my knees and elbows like I was going to run a triathlon. I recall my family coming back to the states with Papaya soap skin whitener from the Philippines cause out there lighter skin is preferred. A societal standard that I think is ironic if we want to talk about Asian privilege. 

Let's break it down. My Filipino family loves Trump, they think he is hilarious. "He just says what everybody is thinking, he is so rich he is gonna save America from all these terrorist, especially that criminal Hilary." It's mindblowing. Every day I come home from work and I have to hear Sean Hannity brainwash my grandparents. Model citizens of overly dedicated Trump supporters who are too comfortable in their own lives to see the real injustices happening. 

But I don't condemn them, they're old school and despite my many attempts at explaining the truth, there is no changing their views. "What do you expect," Lola tells me "we came to America in the 70's, Trump was a famous millionaire with real estate." Which helped me understand that my family was Americanized by mainstream television. Heavily influenced by pop culture and all its subconscious racist, sexist ideologies became normalized for them. 

The implicit sexism was prominent in my house. Innocently put into a box because I was the oddball out of the family with a Latina mom. My cousins all infatuated with white boys while I was gravitating towards hip-hop as it helped me understand that my differences were my attributes. It also helped me see that throughout my life, half of my identity felt diminished by stereotypes. I remember once being told that I would be pregnant at 16, whatever that was supposed to mean. 

With all these little aggressions as a teenager, I felt lost. To this day my identity issues stem from being secluded from both sides of my family. Never feeling Asian enough or Hispanic enough always chewed at my soul. It wasn't until college that I realized what was really going on with how my family viewed the world. Both of my parents had grown up in a country that was also finding itself. 

Racism, sexism, homophobia, were all implicit biases both sides of my family had. Which carried on to me, until I had to completely unlearn my beliefs and study the way this country has brainwashed us all. Bringing me back to the subject of Asian privilege. 

While my family provided me with everything I needed to succeed, my sister was working overtime to put herself through school. I lived parallel to her struggles and although I helped whenever I could, it was hard to understand that her path would always be harder because she was Latina. Although I face minor challenges as a mixed woman, my Asian face puts me at an advantage in certain scenarios. 

I have always identified as both Filipina and Salvadoran. Always been proud of both cultures I was raised in and will always feel equally apart of each side despite people making me choose. Growing up in between these two unique families forced me to look at the world in a different way. Experiencing both Asian and Hispanic perspectives made it easy for me to understand how this country treats immigrant families. 

Today, I intentionally soak in the sun. Taking a strong pride in my skin tone and owning it beautifully. Sporadically getting complimented by people and reclaiming my beauty rebuilt my confidence inside and out. Accepting the one body I was given and using it for a purpose God intended is what I had always wanted. Sometimes, I lose sight of myself but I regain my spirit every time I find new ways to express myself.